No, seriously, what is it?
Last night, I couldn't sleep, so at about 3 AM I decided to just read all of my Journal entries on here right back to those from early 2010. And, I just... I cried. I couldn't help it. It's rare for me to cry, as compared to the average person, but the tears came faster than I could even notice. The entries themselves, and remembering those events... Remembering my problems, my health, my missing and failing classes, being unable to do anything, just everything... All the plans I made that never got fulfilled due to my health or whatever other problems... How few happy entries there are as compared to all the depressed ones or explaining my health and whatnot... I... How is this living?
I know that it could be worse. Trust me, I know. And I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch. But, what has become of my 'life'?
Next month will make it 4 years since things took a nosedive. And while to say that it's never gotten better would be a lie, the truth is that those times were so short-lived, or the obstacles were replaced by new ones, or the improvements were only temporary, bound to deteriorate right back to where it started.
As I said in my previous entry to this, my joint pains and such have returned. Not full swing as yet, but they're getting there. The reality is that I can't escape.
I used to be such a happy person, but now I'm bound to be depressed for 90% of the time.
I used to be reliable for any and everything, but now there's no telling when I won't be able to do things at all.
I used to be an honour student.
I used to dedicate so much time to all of my hobbies.
I loved life.
Where did it all go?
Please, just please... I want to remember what it's like to LIVE.
Someone please tell me...